isiphithiphithi sobudlelwane

Kwiminyaka engama-500 eyadlulayo, iLa Celestina yayingumdlalo onzima owathi unelungelo lokutshata ngothando nabani na ofuna ngexesha apho imitshato emininzi inezinye iinjongo. Ngendlela efanayo kwinkundla kaLouis XIV, kuphela amadoda asondeleyo kunye nawona athembekileyo yinkosi avunyelwe ukugqoka izithende, kwaye kwiminyaka eyi-100 edlulileyo umbala wepinki wawuchazwa njengombala wamadoda. Iyaqala UAlejandro Thompson, isazi ngengqondo yezemfundo kunye ne-anarchist yobudlelwane, Udliwano-ndlebe namhlanje.

Siyaguquka (okanye sibuye umva), indlela yethu yokunxulumanisa utshintsho, into ekucingelwa ukuba ithathwa njengesiqhelo ilungiswa ngokuqhubekayo, sifumanisa imodeli entsha yobudlelwane kunye neefomathi. Konke oku kusikhokelela ekubeni sithethe umfazi omnye, ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo, i-polyamory kunye nesiphithiphithi sobudlelwane Ngaba iDNA yethu isixelela ngenene indlela esinxibelelana ngayo? Ubudlelwane bufunyanwa njani kwisiphithiphithi sobudlelwane? Ngaba sizalwa okanye siba nomfazi omnye?

Yintoni i-Relational Anarchy?

Isiphithiphithi sobudlelwane bakhela phezu kwethiyori yezopolitiko nentlalontle ukukhanyela ulawulo phakathi kobudlelwane. Bayeka zonke iintlobo zokulindela kwaye benze ngathi abahluli ubudlelwane ngokweendidi; Abukho ubudlelwane bobuhlobo okanye bothando, zonke zinokubaluleka okufanayo. Oku akuthethi ukutyeshela ukuzibophelela, njengoko uThompson echaza i-posteriori, kodwa ukulinganisa bonke ubudlelwane ngaphandle kokuthelekisa okanye ukuhlula, kwaye ucinge ukuba akukho nxalenye ifuna ukulimaza enye, ngoko ke, akukho sizathu sokungathembani.

Udliwano-ndlebe malunga nobudlelwane obungaqhelekanga

Ngaba ucinga ukuba ukuba nomfazi omnye kuyindalo okanye kuyinxalenye yendalo yethu?

Ukuba ngenene besingamagqala kwaye sibuyele kwasekuqaleni kolu didi, bekuya kubakho iingcali ezininzi ze-anthropologists ezibonisa ukuba akukho nto ingaphakathi emntwini ebonisa ukuba siludidi lwesibini. Ndingajolisa ingqalelo yakho kwiincwadi ezifana Ukwabelana ngesondo ngoKusa nguChristopher Ryan kunye noCacilda Jethá, iingcali ezimbini ze-anthropologists ezixoxa ngokuthe ngqo ukuba kwimvelaphi umntu wayengumntu wokunxibelelana kunye ne-polyamorous.

Into endiyicingayo kukuba ukukwazi kwethu ukuthanda yinto yobuqu, umntu kunye nesazisi. Kukho abantu abanokuba nobudlelwane bomntu omnye kuphela kuba ubunzulu abathandana nabo bukwazi nje ukuzinikela kumntu omnye kwaye kulungile.

Kodwa ndikwacinga ukuba baninzi abantu abakubudlelwane bomntu omnye abangayazi enye indlela kwaye baziva befuthaniselwe ngabo. Ndiyakholelwa ukuba, njengokuziqhelanisa ngokwesondo kunye nesazisi sesini, uhlobo lomntu ngamnye lobudlelwane lukhona kuluhlu ukusuka kumfazi omnye ukuya kwisiphithiphithi sobudlelwane kwaye kuyahluka ngokuxhomekeke kwindlela umntu ngamnye aziva ngayo kwaye achaze uthando, ngokoluvo lwam. akunakwenzeka ukunyanzela umntu ukuba azive uthando ngendlela ethile.

Ucinga ukuba yintoni egqibayo ukuba umntu uthambekele ekubeni ngumfazi omnye okanye ezinye iintlobo zobudlelwane obungenammiselo?

Akukho mntu unokuzinyanzela ukuba abe yi-polyamorous okanye i-anarchist yobudlelwane ngokukholelwa, ngendlela efanayo akukho mntu kufuneka anyanzelise umntu ukuba abe nomfazi omnye njengoko kusenziwa ngoku ukusukela ngokwesiqhelo. Ukuhamba nge-polyamorous okanye i-anarchist yobudlelwane akufani nokuhamba nge-vegan.

I-Polyamorous, i-anarchist yobudlelwane okanye i-monogamous, kufuneka nje uthathe uhambo oluhle lokuzihlola ukuze uyifumane, into endiyibiza ngokuqhula ngokuthi "i-origami yengqondo", njengokuziqhelanisa ngokwesondo kunye nesazisi sesini. Kukho abantu abaninzi be-polyamorous kwi-closet abangaziyo kwaye abahluphekayo kubudlelwane babo. Ekuphela kwento endiyikhuselayo kukuba ubudlelwane abukho butyhefu, ukuba kukho ubukrelekrele beemvakalelo kwaye ukhathalelo luthathwa ngokubambisana nokuxhomekeka. Oku kunokwenzeka nangayiphi na indlela yobudlelwane, ayiphelelanga kulo naluphi na uhlobo lobudlelwane.

Uya kuyazi njani ukuba yeyiphi imodeli yobudlelwane efanelene nawe?

Ndiyakholelwa ukuba kukho abantu abathi, emva kokwenza "i-origami yengqondo", bafikelela kwisigqibo sokuba banomfazi omnye, ukuba bayakwazi ukuziva iimvakalelo ezithile kumlinganiselo othile ngokukodwa kunye nomntu omnye, kwaye uphelele.

Kodwa kwakhona ndikholelwa ukuba kukho iimpembelelo zangaphandle ukuba kancinci kancinci ziyakhukuliswa ezenza ungabonakali naluphi na uhlobo lobudlelwane olungelolwamfazi omnye, nokuba kwimeko yakho yenkcubeko, yentlalo, yezopolitiko okanye yenkolo.

Kukho ubudlelwane obuninzi bomntu omnye kunabantu abathandanayo kwaye kungenxa yokuba yindlela uluntu lwethu olujonga ngayo.. Njengakuyo yonke into, imimiselo iyinkohliso kunye nentolongo yabaninzi. Ukuqhawula ngengcamango yokuba kukho ummiselo kubaluleke kakhulu. Imibuzo esisiseko yentanda-bulumko ekufuneka ibuzwe ukuze kufunyanwe uhlobo lomntu olulo lobudlelwane "yintoni uthando kum?", "zikhona iintlobo ezahlukeneyo zothando?", "yintoni na ukuba ndithandane?", njl. Kwaye ukuba ufuna ukuhlola ukuba ingakanani impembelelo yangaphandle kwimpendulo nganye, ndiya kubuza "Kutheni ndicinga ngolu hlobo?". Ukugcina le ngxoxo yeSocrates kunye nawe kunye nokunyaniseka kwiimpendulo, umntu ufumanisa indlela aziva ngayo kunye noluphi uhlobo lobudlelwane umntu achonga ngakumbi.

Ngaba kunokwenzeka ukuba umntu ozigqala njengeqabane lomtshato omnye unokuba nolwalamano nomntu ongatshatanga naye?

Ewe, iyamangalisa. Njengabantu sithanda ulungelelwaniso kwaye sityekele ekucingeni ukuba omabini amaqela kubudlelwane kufuneka alingane, ukuba akunjalo sityekele ekucingeni ukuba ukungabikho kokusesikweni kwenziwa okanye ukuba umntu uthatha inzuzo yomntu.

Ukuze umntu onemvakalelo yokuthandana nomntu omnye abe kubudlelwane nomntu ongenguye, kufuneka, eyazi indlela aziva ethandwa ngayo, aqiniseke kakhulu kubudlelwane bakhe naye kwaye azi ukuba aqonde njani ukuba uthando iqabane lakhe azibanga ngalo. yena akakhe abuzwa, ayilambatha kuba iqabane lakho liyabathanda abanye abantu. Ngapha koko, unokonwaba neqabane lakho xa likuxelela ukuba udibene nomntu onomdla okanye okhethekileyo kwaye akaziva esongelwa.. Ininzi into ethethwayo kulo mbutho malunga nomona, kodwa incinci kakhulu malunga ne compersion* (not understanding), nto leyo ethetha ukuziva wonwabile xa umntu omthandayo eziva onwabile komnye umntu okanye esenza into angakuhoyi ngayo.. Umntu one-monogamous akafuni, akwazi okanye afune ukuziva uxhulumaniso kwinqanaba elinzulu kunye nabantu abaninzi, kodwa banokuqonda ukuba iqabane labo lenza kwaye libonakala lihle kakhulu kum.

Luyintoni ubudlelwane obusekwe kwisiphithiphithi sobudlelwane kuwe?

Isiphithiphithi sobudlelwane sihlala sihlelwa, ngokungalunganga kwimbono yam, ngaphakathi kwepolyamory. Kodwa kukho uphawu olusisiseko oluzahlulayo. Kwi-polyamory unobudlelwane bothando oluninzi, kodwa baqhubeka behlukaniswa kubo bonke ubudlelwane ebomini bakho, kwisiphithiphithi sobudlelwane abanjalo.

Lonke ubudlelwane incoko phakathi kwabantu ababini eyakhiwe ukususela kwixesha lokubulisa umntu. Inxalenye ebalulekileyo yayo yonke i-anarchism kukubuza into esele isekiwe kwaye yahlelwa ukuze kuhlalutywe kwaye kuhlolwe. I-anarchist yobudlelwane ibona lonke ubudlelwane ngaphandle kwamacandelo kwaye ngaphandle komyalelo wokubaluleka. Lo nto ayithethi ukuba ninobudlelwane obufanayo nomninimzi noyihlo njengomhlobo wakho osenyongweni, kodwa ithetha ukuba zonke zakhiwe ngokusekelwe kwiincoko eziye zabakho kunye nabo. Iqondo kunye nohlobo lokuzibophelela oluye lwasekwa nomntu ngamnye kwaba bantu lwahlukile kwaye ubudlelwane kunye nomhlobo wakho osenyongweni buya kuthathwa njengento ebaluleke kakhulu kuwe kunomphathi wakho, kodwa oko kunokwahluka. inyanga.

Into ebalulekileyo kukuba ukhetha ukwabelana ngexesha kunye nemisebenzi kunye nabantu abahlukeneyo kodwa, kum, xa ufikelela kumanqanaba athile obudlelwane obusondeleyo, ukuthembela, njl. uqala ukungakwazi ukwahlula ukuba ngowuphi umntu obaluleke ngakumbi. kuba zonke zibaluleke ngokulinganayo.

Ukungabikho kwegunya kuphawulwa ngokuba uthando lulingana nobuhlobo. Ndinombono wothando kakhulu wobuhlobo ondenza ndicinge ukuba kum ubuhlobo luhlobo lothando olunomgangatho ophezulu wobunyulu. Kanye njengokuba abantu baseValencia babiza kuphela i-paella Valenciana paella kwaye enye irayisi enezinto, ndivakalelwa kukuba ubuhlobo luthando kwaye okunye luthando ngezinto.

Kwinqanaba lethiyori, i-RA ivakala inomdla, kunye ne-polyamory, kodwa ngaba kukho naluphi na uhlobo lwezikhokelo ezinokuthi zilandelwe ukuze zifunde ukukhokela olu hlobo lobudlelwane okanye mhlawumbi yinto umntu azalwa nayo? "Ngaba uzelwe okanye wenziwa i-anarchist / polyamorous"?

I-Anarchist / polyamorous ifunyenwe. Uzalwa ungazi ukuba uziva njani, uzalwa ngaphandle kwezixhobo zokuzihlola. Ngethemba, ingqondo yengqondo kunye nokucinga okucacileyo kuyaphuhliswa okuvumela umntu ukuba azihlolisise kwaye enze isigqibo malunga nendlela akhululeke ngayo kwaye kutheni umntu ekhululekile ngakumbi ngendlela ethile okanye enye, ngaba yimpembelelo yangaphandle, ingaba ukondla okanye yinto yangaphakathi kwaye ayinakunqotshwa. imvakalelo ? Ukuphonononga kunye nokuzifumanisa kubalulekile ukwazi ukuba umntu uziva njani kwaye uziva njani, ngumcimbi wokuzazisa.

Ukungazithembi kunxulumene kangakanani nomnqweno wokuba neqabane elinye? Ngaba abantu abazithembileyo badla ngokuba nobudlelwane obungaqhelekanga?

Abazalani kwaye hayi. Sonke sinokungaqiniseki, kukho abantu abaziva benoloyiko lokwenyani lokuba bodwa kwaye bazibandakanye nobudlelwane emva kobudlelwane ukuphepha ukuba wedwa, nokuba banobudlelwane bomfazi omnye okanye be-polyamorous. Ukuzihlola kufuneka ubuze izinto, ubuze izinto kufuneka ungaqinisekanga ngeempendulo. Ukungakhuseleki akubi okanye ukhuseleko alulunganga. Unokuqiniseka ngawe kwaye ube yi-narcissist enganyamezelekiyo, unokuba ungakhuselekanga, kodwa phila ukungakhuseleki kwakho ngokunyanisekileyo kwaye akunanto yakwenza nendlela onxibelelana ngayo.

Enye indawo ye-Relational Anarchy kukuba "Ubudlelwane obugqibeleleyo kufuneka bube nencoko kunye nonxibelelwano njenge-axis yabo ephakathi, kungekhona njengemeko yonxunguphalo ebonakala kuphela xa kukho" iingxaki.”. Ngaba zonke iintlobano zesini akufanele zibe ngolu hlobo? Kutheni kukho iingxaki ezininzi kangaka zonxibelelwano phakathi kwezibini eziqhelekileyo?

Incoko sisiseko sabo bonke ubudlelwane babantu, nokuba luhlobo luni na. Incoko inokohlulwa ibe ngamacandelo afana nobukrelekrele, i-affective, ubuhlobo obusondeleyo okanye ngokomzimba. Ukwabelana ngesondo akukho nto ngaphandle kwenxalenye yomzimba kunye nobudlelwane obusondeleyo kwincoko onayo nomntu.

Amaxesha amaninzi siyakuphepha ukunxibelelana ngeemvakalelo ngenxa yendlela ezinokuchaphazela ngayo omnye okanye ngenxa yokoyika ukuziphikisa kuba singaqinisekanga nokuba sivakalelwa njani. Ngamanye amaxesha siyalibazisa de sibe nento emfutshane yokunxibelelana. Sonke sichaphazeleka ngumbono wokuba ukuba asicacanga kwinto ethile, ukuba asiqinisekanga, akufanelekile ukuthetha, kodwa ndicinga ukuba kubalulekile ukuthethelela ukungabi nazigqibo kunye nokuchasana njengento yomntu kwaye uthi "Ndiyayiva lento andiyazi noba kutheni ndiyiva okanye inento yokwenza nawe kodwa ndicela uxolo mhlawumbi ngomso ndizova i opposite andazi noba bekutheni kodwa mhlawumbi kwixesha elizayo Ndiyakuyichonga".

Naluphi na ubudlelwane, naluphi na uhlobo lwayo, luzuza ngokunyaniseka, nangona ukunyaniseka okunjalo kunokulimaza omnye, ukuba siziva into echasene nemimiselo yobudlelwane kwaye sibeka umngcipheko wokuba siphinde sihlolisise loo migaqo kwaye, ngoko ke, ukuphelisa ubudlelwane okanye ukuphelisa ubudlelwane. yibone ngokwahlukileyo. Ndicinga ukuba xa ukwi-monogamous ubudlelwane kukho umngcipheko xa kufikwa kunxibelelwano, oko kwandisa loo mngcipheko kwaye ngoko ke uloyiko, kodwa andiqondi ukuba ukungabikho konxibelelwano kuxhomekeke kwi-monogamy.

Ngaba unalo naluphi na uhlobo lombuzo ukuba isibini sinokubuza xa sizama ukuba nencoko enzulu okanye isikhokelo sokuqalisa ubudlelwane obunempilo, nokuba yintoni na? 

Bendizoqala ngokuyichaza lonto Ukuthetha naloo mntu yindawo ekhuselekileyo, ekhululekile ekugwebeni, ukuba bobabini abantu bayathandana kwaye akukho nto ithethwayo iya kutshintsha loo nto.. Emva koko, umthambo wovelwano kuya kufuneka wenziwe ukuqonda indlela uthando oluvakalelwa ngayo kunye nengqiqo kunye nomnye umntu kwaye ukuba kukho iintlobo okanye akunjalo.

Emva koko kuyimfuneko ukuhlola ukuba le mibono mibini iyahambelana kwaye ngayiphi na indlela, i-symmetric okanye i-asymmetric, kwaye uthembeke ngesiphumo.

Kubantu abanobudlelwane obuvaliweyo abafuna ukuvula ubudlelwane babo kwaye bandibuze, ndihlala ndithetha into enye: “Musa ukuwela kumgibe wokucinga ukuba ‘uvula’ olo lwalamano ubunalo. Uyabuphelisa obo budlelwane kwaye uqale obunye ukususela ekuqaleni ngamagama ahlukeneyo”. Basoloko bendixelela ukuba icebiso liye labanceda.

Ukuba ufuna ukufunda udliwano-ndlebe olupheleleyo, siyishiya apha: Udliwano-ndlebe olupheleleyo lukaThompson.

Mhlawumbi unokuba nomdla olu luhlu kumxholo we-LGTBI.

Izixhobo zokuqonda i-Relational Anarchy

• Incwadi kaJuan Carlos Pérez Cortés, isiphithiphithi sobudlelwane. Inguquko esuka kumakhonkco.
• Isitishi sikaYouTube sikaJuan Carlos Pérez Cortés

• I-CLARÍN EDITORIAL, (2018) Uthando lwamahhala alukho. Yintoni isiphithiphithi sobudlelwane kwaye kutheni sitshintsha ngokupheleleyo indlela esijonga ngayo ubudlelwane bothando. UClarín. Ijongwe e: https://www.clarin.com/entremujeres/pareja/anarquia-relacional-cambia-completamente-mirada-relaciones-amorosas_0_GPqiiWfe0.html